all that's missing is the whale.
$720.00 will just be enough for a one-way ticket to the philippines - something i have been dreaming of since that moment my parents told me that we were moving here as soon as i get my diploma.
$720.00 is also, in my present financially beleaguered state, a whole lot of money.
irony, yet again, demonstrates its hold on my life. because $720.00 in cold hard cash went missing at work while under my care. and while they assured me that they don't think i stole the money, the fact of the matter is, it disappeared while i was in charge of it. and since i couldn't offer any explanation as to how it magically ceased to exist- and dear god, i've tried my best to channel nancy drew and hercule poirot and have replayed the whole of yesterday again and again and again in my head- it's now my responsibility to replace it.
no matter how careless i am about my money and things, i'm the complete opposite when it comes to other people's belongings. that's a fact. and the only things i have ever resorted to stealing were bread from the school caf in high school and a miniature fruit cocktail can from a toy fridge. it is not in my nature to take advantage of others, what with my massive guilt complex and the memory of the numerous times i have been on the receiving end. the golden rule is seared in my soul; so much so that if i have ever wronged you in one way or another, smirk at the truth that i have inflicted on myself ten thousand times the pain and hurt i've caused you. that's just how i am.
one week ago, i was joyously reflecting on how life seems to be turning around for me. trips to my doctor, reminders from the states, my mom and my grandfather's state of health, confrontations with my old friends - my guilt, insecurities, and fears, and now, this, have since reminded me of how wrong i was. dreadfully and fatally wrong.
i shudder to think of what 2006 has in store for me still.
if there's one thing to smile about this, it's, well, i have two. one is being reminded of just how nice some of the people i work with are (well, aside from the ones who MAY have taken the money. i'd rather believe the money grew legs and walked away on its own, but if we are to be realistic then...shit, there goes my faith in people.). they helped me scrounge every inch of that locked room, vouched for my honesty, told me not to think about telling my parents (as if. things have been hard for them as it is and i've been mooching off them long enough, i'd rather kill myself than make them worry about me again) and that they'd pitch in so i wouldn't have to pay for it all by myself (i don't know. as much as i know it wasn't my fault the cash went missing, it doesn't feel right to make them help pay for it, either.).
and two, i was too upset to indulge my ever gluttonous self today. while i am fully cognizant of the fact that 93 lbs. is still 7 lbs. less than what my ideal weight should be, what with the present circumstances and my ardent wish that things are back to their (semi-)normal state, the extra 5 lbs. i've gained over the past couple of months feels like the weight of the world to me.
$720.00 is also, in my present financially beleaguered state, a whole lot of money.
irony, yet again, demonstrates its hold on my life. because $720.00 in cold hard cash went missing at work while under my care. and while they assured me that they don't think i stole the money, the fact of the matter is, it disappeared while i was in charge of it. and since i couldn't offer any explanation as to how it magically ceased to exist- and dear god, i've tried my best to channel nancy drew and hercule poirot and have replayed the whole of yesterday again and again and again in my head- it's now my responsibility to replace it.
no matter how careless i am about my money and things, i'm the complete opposite when it comes to other people's belongings. that's a fact. and the only things i have ever resorted to stealing were bread from the school caf in high school and a miniature fruit cocktail can from a toy fridge. it is not in my nature to take advantage of others, what with my massive guilt complex and the memory of the numerous times i have been on the receiving end. the golden rule is seared in my soul; so much so that if i have ever wronged you in one way or another, smirk at the truth that i have inflicted on myself ten thousand times the pain and hurt i've caused you. that's just how i am.
one week ago, i was joyously reflecting on how life seems to be turning around for me. trips to my doctor, reminders from the states, my mom and my grandfather's state of health, confrontations with my old friends - my guilt, insecurities, and fears, and now, this, have since reminded me of how wrong i was. dreadfully and fatally wrong.
i shudder to think of what 2006 has in store for me still.
if there's one thing to smile about this, it's, well, i have two. one is being reminded of just how nice some of the people i work with are (well, aside from the ones who MAY have taken the money. i'd rather believe the money grew legs and walked away on its own, but if we are to be realistic then...shit, there goes my faith in people.). they helped me scrounge every inch of that locked room, vouched for my honesty, told me not to think about telling my parents (as if. things have been hard for them as it is and i've been mooching off them long enough, i'd rather kill myself than make them worry about me again) and that they'd pitch in so i wouldn't have to pay for it all by myself (i don't know. as much as i know it wasn't my fault the cash went missing, it doesn't feel right to make them help pay for it, either.).
and two, i was too upset to indulge my ever gluttonous self today. while i am fully cognizant of the fact that 93 lbs. is still 7 lbs. less than what my ideal weight should be, what with the present circumstances and my ardent wish that things are back to their (semi-)normal state, the extra 5 lbs. i've gained over the past couple of months feels like the weight of the world to me.
