arrrrgh.

remember how unhappy i was about my voice?

well then, imagine how i felt when my friend told me that i sound like a "call girl" over the phone. and no, no, she meant that "in a nice way".

because i think paying for sex is one of the most pathetic things one could ever do, i really wouldn't know what call girls sound like. i've always felt sorry for them, though, not because i think of them as lesser human beings (truth is, i think their clients are the ones that are to be pitied and scorned.), but because i can't even imagine the helplessness and need and despair that have led them into that line of work.

and because i "supposedly" (i still can't say i agree, even if everybody i find myself telling this to -friends and family alike- just laughs and then proceed to not say anything about it not being true. one even said he could've told me this himself. i'm still hoping he was joking.) sound like one, does this mean that i sound helpless and needy and desperate? :(

...

my "nears and dears" are very much aware of my monumental guilt complex. the moment i start thinking i did something wrong, i begin to torture myself like some british broadcasters could only hope to do. and tonight, well, i'm ready to subject myself to some serious agony.

i had every intention to do right this time. but my nephew/godson had a birthday party, my cousins convinced me to see "the da vinci code" (booksnobs could jeer all they want, but i actually liked the book. not as much as his "angels and demons", but i was still entertained. i'm a big fan of tom hanks, audrey tautou, ian mckellen, paul bettany, and alfred molina, too. but all this love and liking couldn't do much about the fact that the movie sucked nuts.), the food network did a show on waffles, my nephew needed a babysitter, my cousins came over on monday, i fell victim to YM last night, and i either fall asleep or analyze this thing with lust crush everytime i find myself alone.

given that i was only able to scan the first twenty of the hundred eighty or so pages i was supposed to read and study, i KNEW i was going to fail. was damn cheery about it, too. this morning, i wore my new jeans (i actually bought them last christmas, but only remembered them when i was looking for something in my closet last friday), borrowed my sister's beads which go so nicely with my green tank top, opened a new pot of lip gloss, and faced the day with a smile - that was how okay i was about the prospect of flunking my very first test this term.

but by mid-morning, guilt was making me consider giving up ice cream and books for the rest of my life. three hours later, i was THIS close to finding one of those bastards they show on "cheaters" and volunteering myself to be a patient, all-forgiving martyr of a doormat girlfriend for the next ten years.

it didn't really help that all the people in my class were holding stacks of index cards and fiddling with their calculators when i got there. or that my professor had to ask them if they had an extra pencil they could lend me (to my credit, i did have an eraser. no pens, no pencils, just an eraser.). or that i really think i would've been able to perfect the darn thing (like my classmates no doubt have done tonight) had i spent more time studying than the brief snatches in between AI and the hour-long cramfest i did last night.

the most heartbreaking part is i knew the right answers to half the items i missed. except that self-doubt made me go back and change all of them. i never fucking learn, i ALWAYS fail to pay attention to what my instincts tell me the times they're on the mark.

i could've made excuses for flunking a difficult test. but failing a give-away one is more than my conscience could handle.

i'm dreading going back to class on monday and seeing my test results. i just KNOW i got the lowest mark. i'm not grade-conscious or anything -my UP transcripts could attest to this- but i can't stand failing at something i know i could've done well.

come to think of it, i AM hopeless and needy and desperate.

if you receive text messages and emails rather than calls, it's just me trying to deny my destiny, ok?

yes, i'm a TV addict. no, you're not allowed to mock.

there was a time when TV shows made a whole lot of sense to me than the "real" world.

reality no longer disappoints and disgusts me (that much), but it's still laughable how fictional characters, regardless of whether they're played convincingly or not, could sometimes affect me and make me think about myself like actual people i know have failed (and sometimes still fail) to do.

my very first day in school, i was dumbfounded by all the other kids in class crying and clinging to their parents or yayas. me, i sat where i was told to sit and didn't even look back at mommy until it was time to go home. unlike my sister, who used to start crying for our mom five minutes into the north expressway, i never had any trouble going to pampanga with just my grandparents. on graduation days when schoolmates cried out their goodbyes, i honestly didn't understand what the big deal was about since i knew i would still be spending time with the people i cared about anyway. and while i teared up at all those despedida parties and when people came to see me off when i left, it was more out of appreciation for all the kindness and affection my friends and family were showing me rather than the thought of moving to a place so far away from all of them (there were occassions of torrential crying, but those were mostly alcohol-induced. the genuine despair for home and familiar faces will come much later, at that period which i will fondly remember as the "dark ages".).

it wasn't because i didn't care for my parents, or the rest of my family, or my friends, or my schoolmates (all of whom i actually sort of miss, even the ones who i barely talked with) - how much i cared for a person didn't really factor in. dark ages aside (which were so terrible, i'm surprised i didn't get the bubonic plague), i just found it easy to dissociate myself from whatever was happening and go on with life somehow.

which makes it all the more ironic that one season finale and one series finale have left me so unsettled.

maybe i've grown soft with age, i don't know. but saying goodbye is not as easy for me as it once was. i get distressed when friendships undergo the inevitable changes, i hurt when i see relationships (whether i'm in it or not) being severed, i find myself weeping over the good old days when everybody i know belonged with the friends and lovers they were with when i first got to know them.

i realize that sometimes change could be good. necessary, even. there are times, though, that i can't help but wish that things could just stay the way they are.

if only the writers of "the OC and "will and grace" could have realized that...

...

as much as i find it hard to let go of things and people, i am still able to write people off completely and not even be tempted to look back.

being sentimental is worlds apart from being completely mental, after all.

i'm like patrick.

i live under a rock.

i've been so preoccupied with a few things that i've been so oblivious to what's been happening around me. i've been getting surprises -both pleasant and unpleasant- all week.

i missed all but the last thirty minutes of grey's anatomy's season finale, for one. how on earth did i miss that one, how???

and now, i'm reeling from the shock of not seeing chris daughtry and paris bennett on "american idol". i like americans and all, but holy, you people need to get your shit together when it comes to voting. i mean, i still can't get over your last presidential election, and the fact that you didn't include gedeon mckinney in the top 12 (that boy can sing. i know he's a bit freaky with that weird "preachy pastor" vibe and that incredulous amount of self-confidence, but surely if people are willing to ignore katharine mcphee's thinly-veiled arrogance and sulky brattiness, they could have made excuses for weird gedeon as well? and no, i don't hate katharine mcphee. she's beautiful, she's talented, she deserves to be in the top 5, and i used to like her a lot. but her perfomances have become so affected, they've been making me grit my teeth.). this show is disappointing me like mad.

oh wait, let me retract that. i just saw zac efron (also known as jailbait crush) in the audience.

speaking of crushes, why didn't anybody tell me that tj trinidad is now an actor? i just spent an unhealthy amount of time watching all these tj trinidad and gulong ng palad clips on youtube (no, our cable doesn't have a filipino channel). i can't believe i'm saying this, but i miss filipino soaps (especially since they appear to end after five months or so now, unlike before when a frigging unlocked diary took years to find), i miss afternoon variety shows where everybody takes a mike and sings hand in hand, and i miss cherie gil and joel torre! i think i've loved cherie gil ever since i saw her throw champagne in sharon cuneta's face just after she called her "a second-rate, trying hard copycat!". you know, that line should be in the "top 50 filipino movie quotes of all time". right along with sir jeric's fave - "para kang isang carinderiang bukas sa lahat ng gustong kumain." bonus points to anyone who can remember what movie that's from and who said it.

i have to say, though, that this is my most fave video so far. can't say i'm a big fan of the singing, but when you have these four boys all at once, you don't complain. no, you just enjoy yourself and not even think of complaining.

and hey, i never knew, nickname pala ni bernard palanca, v-as-in-victory j?

...

i've also been getting all these welcome news about friends falling in love (incidentally, dutch and german mamas must be raising their boys right because it seems like they know how to treat girls well, yes?), getting the coolest jobs, changing addresses, and making all these life-changing decisions.

i'm happy for all of you.

i'm happy for me.

i'm happy all around.

i just realized the gulong ng palad just might be going our way, huh? and when it does, let's find something to jam it with so it stays that way.

sabi ni giles, matalino daw akong mag-blog.

i'm not really sure what he meant by that. perhaps that the new euphemism for "excessive complaining about the most trivial things"? because that's all that i've been doing, haha.

but i really don't want to be thought of as just snarky and shallow, so i'm giving y'all a break. today, i'll be cheery and shallow (i wish i could do something about the latter part, but my powers aren't up to it. if you want intelligent and in-depth writing, let me know and i'll give you links to my favorite blogs.).

the chirp-chirp-chirpy version of me is brought to you by:

a) wasabi-flavored potato chips, ketchup-flavored potato chips, dill pickle-flavored potato chips, roasted red pepper-flavored potato chips, fries and gravy-flavored potato chips, roast chicken-flavored potato chips, sea salt and pepper-flavored potato chips, black pepper and lime-flavored potato chips...

george crum, wherever you are, you did good, man. you did good.

b) disney's "high school musical"

i don't know if i'll go as far as recommending this to everyone, because let's not forget that the target audience IS the tween set. it's pretty much a 98-minute cliche- and cheesefest. lucky for them, i love cheese. and that i thoroughly enjoyed that adorable boy (so much so that i almost felt like i should have "me = CHESTER" stamped on my forehead) and that really pretty girl (who's half-filipina, btw) who played the leads.

all those cookies and cream bars and cookie dough chip ice cream that i ate while watching didn't hurt, either.

c) and why did i have so much ice cream that day? haagen-dazs was on sale. that almost never happens.

d) jogging by the lake at the crack of dawn.

so this was a one-time, big-time deal (the lure of the bed and snuggly sheets proved to be too much for me the next morning), but my god, it's been so long since i've actually had blood pump through my veins (and arteries and capillaries) that it almost felt surreal. in a good way.

e) the clean, crisp country air and the charm of small towns.

f) seth's new friends: the pussycat dolls and all those artists who were part of ultraelectromagneticjam.

g) getting on YM (FINALLY) and chatting with two of my bestest friends, ganda and celeste.

h) the kindest e-mails and messages and posts from tito kiko, pam, and giles. you are all lovely people, thank you.

...

speaking of pam and giles, had i known that a couple of chocolate bars could evoke such love and warmth, i would have launched a campaign for everyone in the world to have a daily chocolate ration a long time ago.

we all know that chocolate makes everybody feel better. well, almost everybody, because there are a few people who *gasp* don't like it that much. but even if they don't love it, i'm pretty sure they like having some once in a while. and then everyone will enjoy the benefits of eating chocolates.

benefits like the happy feeling endorphins give you. consequently, you're less inclined to do harm unto others, yourself, and to the world. i mean, terrible psychotic tendencies aside, would you ever consider knifing your seatmate for having a haircut you don't like if you're full of joy? didn't think so.

also, some studies show that eating chocolates actually has some health benefits to it. add these health-boosting properties to the placebo effect your happy and contented mind makes you believe in, and dude, everybody's going to feel like they're in their best shape ever. and if we die of diseases brought about by all that fatty goodness, we're going to die happy anyway (another bonus point: because our happiness has made us kind and good, we're all going to heaven afterwards).

eventually, all these things could snowball into monumental changes. just imagine the possibilities: no more wars, no more poverty (because we'd all look after each other and make sure that wealth and services are equally distributed. in a non-communist way.) no more sickness, no more fights with annoying girls who accuse you of cutting in front of them in line. word of advice: the next time you find yourself jonesing for some frozen yogurt, don't stand there giggling and twirling your hair while ignoring the multiple inquiries about whether you are in line or not.

crap, that was a snarky comment, wasn't it? oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

...

i'm not defending myself or anything, but complainers have been pivotal in shaping our world as we know it. for one, can you imagine what our world would be like if that pesky customer hadn't repeatedly sent his "too thick, too soggy" fries back to george crum's kitchen? we all know that a life without potato chips is no life at all.

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i'm fully aware that "you did good" is not exactly the most grammatically correct thing to say. but how many times have you actually heard somebody say, "you did well."?

plus, remember, this isn't an intelligent blog.

...

although, i DID tell (or remind) you about the history of the potato chip. giles, i hope i did you proud.