it's thanksgiving.
and true to form, i've never felt more disillusioned and ungrateful my entire life.
oh, old habits die hard; whenever i feel myself getting disappointed with the world, i regress to my catholic schoolgirl self and make an effort to count all my blessings and thank the Lord for each one of them.
this endeavor is inevitably followed by a practice so familiar to all children who commit the unspeakable horror of leaving a morsel of food on their plates, and in doing so, betray all their hungry brothers and sisters in china and africa: i then make myself think of others who have less than i do, and vow to be grateful that i'm not one of them.
most people stop at that. i, of course, feel the need to go that extra mile. i then find myself terrified at the thought that God will find my initial ingratitude so displeasing to Him that He'd take away from me the little that i have. nightmarish pictures of accidents, freakish acts of nature, my family getting ill or dying, etc. then flood my mind, resulting in my kneeling down and praying profusely to express gratitude and ask for forgiveness.
so basically, each time i give thanks, it's because of guilt, fear, and the fact that other people are starving, being violated, and dying elsewhere.
that sure makes me exude warm, fuzzy feelings.
if you think i'm being a cold-hearted bitch now, you should see me on christmas and new year's day - i make old ebenezer seem like an effin' jolly old fella.
oh, old habits die hard; whenever i feel myself getting disappointed with the world, i regress to my catholic schoolgirl self and make an effort to count all my blessings and thank the Lord for each one of them.
this endeavor is inevitably followed by a practice so familiar to all children who commit the unspeakable horror of leaving a morsel of food on their plates, and in doing so, betray all their hungry brothers and sisters in china and africa: i then make myself think of others who have less than i do, and vow to be grateful that i'm not one of them.
most people stop at that. i, of course, feel the need to go that extra mile. i then find myself terrified at the thought that God will find my initial ingratitude so displeasing to Him that He'd take away from me the little that i have. nightmarish pictures of accidents, freakish acts of nature, my family getting ill or dying, etc. then flood my mind, resulting in my kneeling down and praying profusely to express gratitude and ask for forgiveness.
so basically, each time i give thanks, it's because of guilt, fear, and the fact that other people are starving, being violated, and dying elsewhere.
that sure makes me exude warm, fuzzy feelings.
if you think i'm being a cold-hearted bitch now, you should see me on christmas and new year's day - i make old ebenezer seem like an effin' jolly old fella.
