it's the most wonderful time of the year...

i know people think otherwise, but really, i'm a lot nicer than i appear to be. honestly, i don't go out of my way just to be mean to somebody.

not being ms. universe material myself, i do hesitate before thinking or saying anything derogatory about others. but when you're wondering about the relationship you're supposed to be in, and you suddenly find yourself sharing an elevator with an extremely-gross looking girl, who apparently, despite her obvious problems with hygiene, was able to find somebody willing enough to give her all those hickey marks she's proudly displaying on her neck, AND then hear about nympho cows getting adored and treated like royalty by boys who are smitten with them, well, you just break down and think of the unfairness of it all.

it's either i'm doing something very, very wrong or love is truly blind. and with a not-so-keen sense of smell, at that.

...

the only holiday i don't mind celebrating is halloween.

i stopped loving christmas a long time ago. you're expected to be full of good cheer, thankfulness, love, and the spirit of christmas, but really, all you see is rampant commercialism, greed, and, well, people PRETENDING to be full of good cheer, thankfulness, love and the spirit of christmas. not that you blame them or anything. truth be told, you're as bad as everybody else. but all that guilt and disappointment kills it for me.

birthdays are no better. it's not that i mind getting older, but every year just reminds me of how little i've accomplished, and of how i can't seem to turn my life around and make it into what i want it to be. i'm dreading this coming one more than ever, if only because i've learned of another reason to hate the date i was brought into this world. if i could change birthdates, believe me, i would've done it.

but halloween, ah, halloween's special.

you have little kids looking all cute in their costumes, focused on getting all the candy they want. they're not expected to behave, they're not expected to pray, they're not expected to sit and keep their new suits and outfits immaculate. all they have to do is have fun and amass all the treats they could get. they don't even have to kiss godmothers and godfathers for them. the whole ideology is refreshingly honest - you just go and try to get what you want. lots of it. no guilt, no hang-ups. exactly how people go on about doing their business nowadays.

and if they eat too much candy and suffer from toothaches and tummyaches afterwards, well, that's a lesson on gluttony for them. same thing with parents who have to deal with their children's sugar-induced hyperactivity. they learn one of the basic tenets of parenting 101: too much leniency leads to kids jumping up and down, shrieking their heads off, not caring what parents think.

the whole concept of trick-or-treating has always fascinated me. you knock on a door and ask for something. you sometimes get the gold standard, which could be full-sized chocolate bars or goody bags filled with quality chocolate (i insist on giving out the latter, it's the least i could do for my favorite holiday.), or really nasty dollar-store candy, or "healthy" stuff like apples or toothbrushes, or nothing. everything's unpredictable, like a kiddie version of russian roulette.

if you get candies, you have to be careful before popping one in your mouth. you have to check for open wrappers, or anything that might trigger allergies (the number of kids who are allergic to dairy and nuts here is overwhelmingly huge.), or anything suspicious (i'm afraid kids consider toothbrushes "suspicious"). after all, just because you're given something doesn't mean that it's always good and right for you.

and if you get nothing, you have the option of egging or TP'ing that house. there could be a thousand reasons why that house didn't give out candy - maybe you were late and they've run out, or they're dirt-broke and couldn't give out anything, or nobody's in the house since they're all at the hospital watching over their grandmother, or they're just not into the whole concept of giving out treats to kids they don't know. the thing is, it really doesn't matter what their reason is, they would get 'tricked' if you choose to do so. sometimes, somebody's fate does not depend on what he deserves or not. sometimes, circumstances and the people around him decide it for him.

i love halloween because it's a microcosmic study of life. no other holiday is as unabashed in showing how people live their lives now. i understand the irony of that statement when it's also the day people go around hiding themselves beneath costumes and masks, pretending to be zombies, witches, and fairy godmothers. but it's a sad truth that people sometimes have to hide bits of themselves to let their humanity come through. plus, all of us wear masks everyday, anyway. we just try to forget we do.

...

if i sound more moronic than usual, forgive me. the past few months have been fraught with frustrations, questions, and disappointment, and i'm too exhausted to even think.

i honestly don't know how long i can keep this up. and it's not even winter yet.

i need love and sleep. in no particular order.